Not of course that I ever actually went anywhere…well, I always go somewhere…but…you know what I mean! At least I hope you do as I have successfully managed to confuse myself – yes, for a change, I know… 🙂
I have been riding the wave of feeling normal – OK – as pointed out correctly, I have neither been nor understood normal at any point in my life – but easier than constantly saying ‘feeling non chemo’d, which of course is not normal but very pleasant relatively speaking’. All clear as mud of course.
I saw Dr ISIS – who truly is a healer. I leave his place, after talking to him and his lovely oncology nurse, Fadwa, feeling cared for and like an active participant in my recovery. Both so very crucial if I am to continue healing. And sadly, not what I have felt from the Marsden for the last few visits. I can, no surprise, be a bolshy bitch with doctors and archaic ways of treating patients like they are passengers in their recovery – but in this journey so far I just haven’t wanted to engage with that. I may have to soon, let’s see. Because it’s not getting any better.
Realising that I can be light, not continually extraordinarily emotional and dark, when I am not chemo’d out of my brain, is wonderful. I so needed this time to see that – to feel it more to the point. I had no idea what to expect from chemo, I was prepared as much as I could be for the physical, but the increasingly pervasive darkness caught me out. Badly. I feel now I can embark on the second, and hopefully final, phase of chemo more prepared – I can tell myself that the darkness is clearly from the chemo, nothing else, and will pass. I know that to be true now, thank fuck.
Walk with me 
That is fantastic, fantastic news, Trout! Completely true, it’s startlingly obvious that you have never been what passes for normal, but the fact that you’ve returned somewhat to your (warped) version is the most wonderful news. Yes, indeed, it seems the chemo is the devil that dances on your shoulder in those times of darkness and I’m not surprised, it really must zap the body of all its energy and resources. But the fact that you know you can and will come out of it is what matters. So happy to hear this 🙂 xxx
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“Between Chemos Is The New Normal.” That could be a very successful new series. I believe 🙂 And to echo ShivX, you’ve never been one for the “normal” box. Thank fuck (to borrow your very apt phrase above). Also very, very, happy for you to be out of the darkness for a bit. And yes, once you have ridden those dark waves, although you may see them in the future, you know that you will get through because that’s exactly what you have been doing. Hugs and love.
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You could definitely see your enthusiasm within the article you write.
The sector hopes for more passionate writers like
you who are not afraid to say how they believe.
All the time follow your heart.
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You are there – not just back, but always there, despite how badly and how deeply chemo affects everything. The darkness, however, will go with the drugs. On the lumps’ heels, in fact (if lumps have heels). Now how do we make sure your remember that when the darkness engulfs you.
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