Can’t stop crying today. Shit.
Started this morning…and basically hasn’t stopped. Great for the office. The idea of getting out of bed was so terrifying I just sobbed.
At home now, with The Man who had just gone to the shops, I’m still crying. We left the office because I just couldn’t cope.
Feel like a complete failure today. I wish I didn’t have cancer – I so fucking wish I didn’t have cancer today. Hayley told me Yani had a complete meltdown this morning – he’s been so upset at me leaving this time. It broke my heart. The ‘A’ team are arriving in Amman today to oatensibly fix all the shit from the federal investigation – and I really do not know if I can cope with it. And feeling like I can’t cope with work is one of the worst failure feelings for me. And I didn’t have the chemo I should have had today.
And I just want to be with The Man and for us to have a lovely time. It’s all I want right now. But I have no idea how we can make that happen with all the shit at work.
I’m so terrified the wheels have completely come off. And I won’t be able to work. That this will just continue – then no job, no idea how my relationship would work, no income. And a massive hit to my self esteem. Being able to do what I do through this whole time had been such a boost to my mental state. Or maybe I’m kidding myself.
It’s dark right now, I’m so very sad, I feel like I’m falling apart.
Walk with me 
My darling. So sad to hear you’re in the dark and scary place and your wheels feel wobbly today. I wonder perhaps if this wobble is a sign of change needing to happen, you need to reach out for the stabilisers or get another bike. We are here supporting the wobble, and even the non wobble.
I know how important your work is to you, but does it have to be THIS work, right here, right now? I so wish you could fuck the job off entirely and just live a life of luxuariating in soft things, the man, your lovely children and your friends who cherish you to bits. There must be a way … If anyone can get through this to the other, brighter side, then that is you. For now, self protection and care is the order of the day my lovely friend. Glad you left that bloody office. Turn the phone off. Rest. Love xxx
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Thank you my lovely friend xx
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It’s your prerogative to fall apart. I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often, given the circumstances. Shit, PURELY with the job you do (never mind the cancer, or the stress of being a parent, or even just Life itself and the crap it can throw at you), I’m surprised this kind of meltdown doesn’t happen more often. Let yourself fall apart. And all the stuff you’re worrying about today (being unemployed/unemployable – not true, losing the relationship – not true (especially from what you have told us about him thus far); and any of the other horrors your mind can throw at you right now). Today, you are in a dark and shitty place. Tomorrow may or may not be better, but it WILL be different. You are a complete survivor, Ms. Z. Always have been. But today, take care of your little self, let The Man take care of you, and just fall apart. Then see how you feel tomorrow. If it’s the same as today, repeat the care and keep repeating until you feel better. Because you most definitely will. Love you.
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And thank you so much as well wonderful Margaret xx
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hey….So you let yourself break down, horrible time, but you probably need this relief at some point. You can’t hold it all together, all the time, and that applies even to people who do not have cancer. You are safe with The Man, and you can cry, so do so. It does not threaten your career or even your ability to function this week. Please do NOT question love, family and career just now, while at this low point; nothing good can come of it. Let yourself crash, it IS going to be better. You have a relationship, a job, an income and a zillion people who love you. The darkness is not taking this away. It is OK to crash (you can quote me anytime in the future on that!). Please surrender tonight and get some sleep. Love you LOTS.
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And thank you Bene – I am safe and that feel so incredibly good – when I am not crashing ;). Xx
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