That makes it exactly 2 thirds of the way through. One third of the way through Taxol. 8 weeks and 5 days left, give or take. 8 more chemotherapy sessions. 

Feels like an enormous achievement. Not sure why at this particular juncture, nonetheless it does. Perhaps because I can see to the other side now – life without chemo. I haven’t been able to do that to date, and it’s still tenuous now, yet I can catch glimpses. I had to throw myself into chemo to make it bearable, accept it as a way of life, take each of the 654 side effects as they came, keep focused on the here and now. Looking outside of that hurt too much – missing the non chemo me, remembering when my life was not consumed with relentless physical symptoms/treatment for symptoms, living life with one foot in the darkness all the time. It’s not over, clearly not as per my meltdown 2 days ago, but it is getting closer to the end.

Taxol is easier – there is absolutely no question of that. But it is still chemotherapy – I say that as a reminder to myself. It is more tolerable by far than EC, but 4 months in and it’s still exhausting. Plus the weekly thing – I had my first one here in Amman yesterday. I get very sad before I have it because my mood is generally good going in, and then I know it will completely change. On the day  I am exhausted from the pre meds and chemo pretty much as soon as I get it, I cry a lot, I am physically weak, it lasts the whole day. It’s a really horrible feeling – knowing that you will feel emotionally and physically awful for at least a day. After having got yourself back up from the last treatment. 

Thank you again all of you. I honestly couldn’t do this without you. I read, and read again a 100 times, the messages and posts – amazing.