Enough of bullshit games being played at work
Enough of not feeling good enough
Enough crying (unlikely)
Enough of chemotherapy
Enough of feeling constantly like I am stuck between work, my kids, The Man
Enough of feeling heavy, dark and miserable
Enough of the drudgery
I don’t have the answers, but after another morning of crying my eyes out, having to leave work again because I couldn’t keep it together, enough. I did however check myself into a 5* hotel for the night, just had a massage and facial and ordered some very good food. Clearly there has not been enough of that.
Its all been so fucking heavy since I found out I had cancer (I wrote had, interestingly, just went back to change it to have, then realised had was a much better option). I didn’t go on the fantastic holiday in Tuscany I had been so looking forward to, I haven’t had so much as a weekend away, I’ve been focussed on work, kids and healing. But healing comes from fun, lightness and laughter as well.
Again, I don’t have the answers. Maybe I won’t, I honestly don’t know. I would so love to say that I will make sure I have holiday’s/breaks/5* hotels every week, that I will tell work to go fuck themselves but manage it somehow while retaining a salary, that The Man and I will figure out how to be in the same country at the same time, that I could manage to be at home all the time without completely collapsing by carrying the weight of cancer and children. I can’t say any of those things right now. All of them have reasons why to do them, and reasons why not and I am too tired, chemo’d, stretched to figure them out. But perhaps the answers will come.
Walk with me 
I have no inkling really of these personal mountains you have to climb, every single day. I read what you write and think how honest you are, how brave, how absolutely incredible. The “novelty” (word used in the loosest of senses) has worn off and you know potentially how horrible you are going to feel after every treatment. You are right bang in the middle of it all, and totally sick and tired of it. The end is in sight, but it seems endless and worrying. But you are doing an incredible job of surviving, no matter how you feel, and doing all the things that I wonder if I could do with the same grace and honesty that you do if I was in the same situation. I think I would be cringingly whiny, totally self-centered, angry, resentful and totally unbearable to live with. And that’s coming from someone who does not do the incredible work that you do, and who has three children (two small). I have two cats, a daughter who doesn’t live with us, a husband and a desk job. I would wipe away all the awful things you feel, given the power to do so. Especially on those terribly dark days. No matter how you feel, Sonia, you are an incredible human being, and although you may not feel like it (or want it), you are my hero. We are all here for you, in whatever medium we can contact you, and although you must feel terribly alone, we ghost along beside you every day. X
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Oh Margaret – thank you. I do feel you, so very strongly, your support, your wonderful words that help me so very much. You are a star xx
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