Despite the fact its 2am and I awake combined with the fact I have little or no internet at home (unsure as to whether I’ll be able to post this or not…life’s little adventures…) I am ‘back’. For now at least, and for now is all I have so am good with that! Note – I can be super spiritual, live in the moment, waffle on about ‘for now’ when I am feeling good/better – I do laugh at how full of shit I can be as ‘for now’ would probably induce me to violence when I am not in a good place 😉

It has been a dark few days – I think both me and The Man fell quite spectacularly and given how powerful both of us are as individuals, we don’t do things by halves. I honestly right now have no idea, nor actual need to know, who did/said what as it’s irrelevant – what is relevant is that we are back on track and I can cope so very much better when that is the case. And I am not surprised we fall – he has a long term, intense personal situation he lives with every day, I have cancer and its treatment, we work in a very challenging professional environment. And since we have met, we have been juggling all 3 of these, with little or no break. For fuck’s sake, if we didn’t fall it would be a miracle.

I do, for now (no prizes for the catchphrase of this blog post!), feel I have a clearer answer with regards to work. Sadly, it seems to be based on having received validation and approval from the HQ guy who has come in to deal with the investigation and suspension issues, but fuck it, I will take feeling good where I can get it right now. So to speak. I am not planning to hit Amman’s red light district (those 3 words I doubt have ever been put in one sentence before – red light and Amman are so very incongruous concepts) for any sort of feel good: important to qualify at this moment I felt. Annnyyywaaayyyy… I have been falling over around works lot, and I spoke to Chris (HQ guy who is here) yesterday and it went well. He told me I was great, gave me some compliments and I was happy. Fuck I’m shallow. Happily so.

So, two out of the three things back on track. The final one is my deeply empathetic, high maintenance son. And the hell he is making for my fantastic, soon to sit her first exams for her Masters degree, daughter. He was deeply upset at me going this time when I left the UK  – horrible for all. I am not sure why it hit him now, but it really did – there are a whole host of reasons I could speculate on, but whatever, he is very upset and missing me a lot. You can see why I have been struggling so much, and then fell, this past few days. Yesterday I had to get him on Facetime in the morning to stop him screaming, calm him down and get him out of the door to school. This was after I had sobbed pretty much all through the previous night and for an hour in the morning feeling like everything had fallen apart and I couldn’t go on….I don’t say that for sympathy or aren’t I great to have spoken to my son, but rather because I am pretty sure he is picking up on some of this, as he does, and also because its like the fucking blind leading the blind….

I am not sure yet how to sort this one out – but feel much more confident finally that I will be able to since the above two things seemed like dark pits for the past while and are on track now. Work and my son have been constants for the past 10 days in terms of dragging me down/upsetting: The Man and I have overall been brilliant, just those couple of days of falling and now sorted, so I am hopeful that I can get my son/children sorted as well.

And back to me – well, lots has been about me as clearly the world revolves around me…however, my point is that these 3 major things have been taking over, and now I can see some light and hope that they will be in place…wait for it….for now, at least (no escaping the ‘for now’s in this post!) I want to get back to what I want and need for me. My children, The Man, my friends (who I consider my family, yes, that means you :-)), my work are all the foundations around me that keep me steady, feeling loved and loving, hold my straight and keep me going forwards. So when 3 of them were wobbly, I fell and the focus had to be on how to get them steady so I could stand: I am standing now, because of course getting my children on track is my job and I need to be standing to do that properly.  I was holding onto the fact that The Man and I were so great and using that to cope with the rest: when that went tits up for those couple of days, everything caved in. But, as I say, all back on track. Which gives me the space to focus on what exactly I want and need now, immediately in terms of how long I stay in Amman for this time and how long I go back to the UK for. Never easy – The Man and work is here, my children are there – a constant sense of feeling torn.

And I probably won’t do so right now, even with the 2am (its now 2.48am..) steroid buzz going on. I probably won’t when I wake up again at 6.30am either, assuming I get back to sleep. But my last post but one was about having no answers, and I have a whole lot more now than I did then, so I am hoping that they keep on coming! All of these things/thoughts/decision are constant companions, I hold them in the periphery of my mind and process them that way, so lets see. I need to be very gentle with me now – its been rough and quite harsh over the last few days – I need to get back to the loving and being loved place as a constant – I need to focus on what I need to heal. On what will bring me joy, lightness – and sorry to sound like a fucking poor quality self help book, but also what will nourish me. I am drained on many levels, predominantly thanks to over 4 months of chemo, and need to focus on what will give me fuel and energy. As I am typing, all I keep getting in my head is a holiday…so very long overdue…perhaps two holidays…one with the kids, one with the man. Just after I rob that bank….however, let me put that intent out there – for now :-).