Thank you all for sending your e-mail addresses – I had meant to do this ages ago and never got round to it.

Given the madness in work, it is very timely. In short, its toxic – I’ve been writing about it on and off, but its now reached a peak of sheer horribleness. A team (finally) from HQ have arrived – but sadly, they are concerned with appointing blame, likely firing those who have been trying to fix the mess and generally spinning in all directions.

Apparently I am ‘safe’ – probably by virtue of the fact I have cancer. Fuck that. Something I struggle with is injustice – on many, many levels. Its part of the reason I do the work I do – but sadly the is the 2nd time in the last few years where I see the very bodies who are meant to alleviate suffering causing it. Both to their employees but obviously more importantly to those they exist for. Sorry for the soapbox – but I truly find it appalling.

I have been wondering why I seem to be the common denominator in these situations – I will likely end up yet again off a cliff – no job, a family to support etc etc. As one of you pointed out, people do this once in a lifetime – I, and I know some of you, seem to make a habit of it… And honestly, I look around at some of those who succeed in this business and I am not them: there are commonalities of disconnect, a certain ruthlessness, willingness to look the other way at weak and ineffective management. I could go on. When I say succeed, I mean those who climb the ladder – I know there are many of us like me who speak out, will not play the game at any cost and so on. And that we often get penalised for that. I am seriously wondering whether its time to step out of this line of work altogether.

Which brings me back to recovering from cancer. This is not recovery, by any stretch. As I have said before, July and August were great for me – I needed the full on nature of the work plus I hadn’t started treatment. From September, I kept trying to step out but couldn’t – getting more and more sucked into the negativity, staying so deeply involved due to loyalty to my team and so on – but its not healthy. I keep looking at major life changes – people who packed up and ran hotels around the world, took a year out and travelled. I deeply need and crave calm, rest, beauty, love and joy. Yes, I am aware I sound like Miss World (Miss World on acid in my case, more likely) but I actually do need these things.

The Man is wonderful. He is one of the team who is getting shafted by all this, which is truly awful -words fail me. But we are really good – as he said today, despite all this madness we are managing to get closer every day and stronger in our relationship. Thank fuck. My kids are doing great, despite my protracted absence, thanks to Hayley and one of you – fantastic.

So – big changes yet again. Time to stop and trust that it will work out if I focus on the positives, of which there are many. And that we won’t be living under cardboard in Piccadilly ;-).