Very nearly out of here…

Felt like I spent most of yesterday in the office crying…so not like me, obviously! Would be pretty worrying if it were really…It really got to me…another obvious statement…

The Man has been let go – targeted more like – so obviously its a rough ride for us both.

Honestly – I feel right now as if I am inside out – very raw, very vulnerable, super sensitive, exhausted would be an understatement – bone weary. I ache from head to toe, the chemo side effects are getting to me – more because of what else is going on, but they just feel relentless today – all, relatively speaking, minor, but at least about 15 of them. Aching, tiredness, on/off minor nose bleeds, dry mouth, dehydrated, eczema, sore eyes (very few lashes left), headaches, bloated…I could go on…clearly. Its tough – fuck it, I know I am whingeing, but its tough. 5 month of chemo – will be exactly 5 months on 15th Feb – and its no joke. Did I mention I am so very, very tired? I started on the beta blockers the doc prescribed today – I am really not sure I want to take them but I do know I need to  wind down and sleep – lets see what happens.

I know there are a lot of positives, not least that I am responding to chemo. And once I have had some serious rest, I will see the positives I know are there in all of this horrible situation. But right now I just want to be exactly as I am right now – feel whatever way I am feeling and just be.