Has to be a good sign! Can’t be restless when you are completely exhausted…well, at least I can’t. 

Kids dad over and with them at home for a few days, I’m at The Man’s since Saturday, back home tomorrow, Hayley with a friend and…I am restless. Edgy perhaps is a better word. This day in 2 weeks I will be preparing to go to The Marsden for my surgery at 12pm (still can’t wait for the anesthetic – also don’t know how to change this autocorrect to UK English….). 

There is a lot of change coming up and the hard ass/powerful/bitch side of me is starting to show itself again. It’s been a long time….the vulnerable (which can be powerful, but in a very different way) and accepting sides of me are not the ones completely dominating any more. Well, for today at least. I am not totally out of it with exhaustion and chemo haze, very tired, yes, but that is different. I feel like the pieces of me I had to let go of temporarily are starting to come back but not too sure yet where and how they slot in. 

Those parts of me, for the most part, had to take total back seat in order for me to survive chemo. I had to embrace the ‘weakness’, life with the endless side effects, not get frustrated at my inability to often not manage the most minor of physical and mental tasks, accept the me that kept falling apart without the strength to pull myself back together. Loads of learning and all that during that time – and perhaps I’ll focus on that more another time – but fuck it sucked as well! 

So while quite uncomfortable, I welcome the other parts of me rejoining me again. As I say, a little weird as I am not sure quite how they will slot in again, but they will eventually. I wonder what the new me will be like?