In about 4 or so hours, I will be getting my pathology results from the lovely surgeon. I haven’t actually been nervous up until now, which I suppose is not bad going. There is no real reason to think that there with be bad news – but quite honestly I really don’t want any news. I would like some time where I don’t have to think about cancer, blood results, chemo, wounds, being relentlessly positive, radiation, hair loss/growth, weird nails….etc…..etc. 

I’d like to to be able to reply to ‘how are you’ with a nonsense response. Not a monologue of ‘I had surgery last week, responded really well to the chemo blah, blah’. I don’t actually say the ‘blah, blah’. Perhaps I should. 

I am sick of being tired, sick of living by lurching from treatment/result/treatment  all the time: measuring time by the next appointment or phase of treatment.

And I am spectacularly sick of being fat. And looking like shit. I’ve put on a least a stone over the last month, my eyelashes and eyebrows are still pretty non existent leaving me looking washed out, sorry, FAT and washed out all the time. I am so physically weak it’s not funny – I walked for around 45 mins yesterday, pretty easy pace, and my legs hurt from the exercise. Every single part of me is either swollen or wobbling. Or scarred and yellow from surgery and bruising. Oh, and my boobs are quite a different size and shape post surgery. Of course they are. My left one (that had the cancer) is still a bit swollen but I think had an inadvertent lift – definitely had a re-shape – so actually looks better than the other one! 

Yes, it’s pretty shallow to be focused on physical appearance – to my credit I managed to not care up until now. But I really do care now – it’s getting me down – along with the constant tiredness thereby limiting my energy to take action. I would really like to feel attractive again, externally and internally. And to be told today that no cancer cells were found.