I am sorry to turn this blog into one about my relationship currently – I know many of you have so kindly followed my ramblings on my cancer journey and that of course does not have to extend to life post cancer. Obviously you have the option not to read – and I would not be offended in the slightest if you don’t – but I need to write and since this blog has my whole journey on it I would rather stick to this.
I will (hopefully) be writing for quite a long time, because it helps me and because I hope one day to attempt to write my book….sitting on a beach in Thailand…
So I am meant to go to The Man’s house today for the weekend. Arranged ages ago around his work schedule, my family life and so on. And reinforced by him on that horrible Monday before I left – his was of reassuring me he would not be running away because of what had happened. Except I haven’t heard from him. Not since last Wednesday when he sent the message telling me he was in bits, not to misinterpret his withdrawal but he needed to get his shit together. Not phrased quite like that, but you get the point.
Yesterday was shit. I ended up in bed from lunchtime on, exhausted, emotional, vulnerable – bed is always my safe place. I would have thought post cancer I would have had enough of it since I had to spend so much bloody time in it, but apparently not. And relatively speaking, it worked. I had been expecting to hear from him yesterday (and tragically still hold out hope for today), but I didn’t.
This deep vulnerability, this inability to de-link him from my cancer journey, both of those opening the old abandonment wound is intense. I am a control freak, I can swing from victim to bitch in the bat of an eyelid during my most dysfunctional moments in relationships. I use control to avoid vulnerability and to protect myself.
Cancer stripped so much of that away – I chose to surrender to western medicine – something I have never done before, and all the shit that comes with that. I sucked up huge amounts of bullshit all around me, so much so I wrote on here endlessly about how I had lost myself, didn’t know who I was anymore. Being bald, under the influence, literally, of a ton of drugs, knowing that your body is trying to kill itself, having everything that is familiar physically and emotionally stripped layer by layer as the intensity of the treatment increases is…hell actually. A doc once told me that chemotherapy is a balance of poisoning your body to the point of killing the cancer but just stopping short before it kills you. And because I was relatively young and healthy, I had the maximum chemo possible. I see why people talk about battle with cancer – because its a juggling act of what may kill you first, the cancer or the treatment, battling it out in your body.
And through all of that, The Man was there. Through every layer, every psychotic break, terror, despair, every one of the all to frequent screaming and sobbing episodes. Nobody else saw all those sides of me, only him. Lucky him. He made it safe so many times, he didn’t even really know me, but didn’t walk away. Or run screaming as many would have.
No, I am not canonising him. Nor am I making excuses for what has gone on with us. Rather just figuring out through my writing why I am hanging on here, why it feels so very wrong to just take back control now and walk away – or run more like – why I am choosing, for now, to sit and feel this pain and uncertainty. Yes, he has been weak and insecure, deeply so in many way, but he has also been incredibly strong in others.
The middle ground? Standing still. Feeling all I have to feel, not escaping from it, holding my space and leaving him his. And not turning up at his house with an AK47 and/or hysterical…. Yes, the psychosis remains…however rational I can sound, the fucking nutter part of me is there waiting for an opportunity….but not today.
Walk with me 
Hi Trout. I hear your pain, there is nothing worse than waiting. When you’re acting in some way you feel in some control, but waiting gives the control to others – not pleasant for anyone. However I would say that if the Man does actually get in touch he will almost definitely leave it to the very last minute, till it is almost too late. This is what men, cornered, do, I think. They just don’t find it as easy as women to decipher their emotions and know what it is they are really feeling, why and, importantly, what to do about it. So they tend to (drink) and retreat. However, as I say, if he does get in touch (and I still think he might) it will be at the eleventh hour. So hold on, hard as it is, and see what happens. I understand your reasons for still feeling love for him. It sounds like he’s been incredibly strong as you say and also, like us all, had a weak moment as well. Let’s see what happens. Keep us posted xxx
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While totally agreeing with SHIVX’s post, I can let you know that I WAS that nutter you speak of in your post, Sonia!! And you know the person I was nutty about (now deceased, but not by my hand, thankfully). I was so, so in love with him that it put me over the edge emotionally (not “it” exactly, which implies a total lack of responsibility/accountability for my actions). I didn’t even WANT to be in love with him at the end, but I was so far gone, I literally could not help myself. But these are things I did in my rage (which I may have told you about, of course): going by his place in order to torment myself even further; planning on keying his beloved Mercedes (I didn’t); a friend calling around to say this guy was down the street, whereupon I ran out into the night, saw him getting into his beloved Mercedes with a woman and right as he was pulling out, I stepped right in front of his car so that he would maim or kill me (obviously, didn’t happen – and the woman I had seen in the dark was a good friend who wasn’t at all interested in him); sleeping with him even though the relationship was totally over and had been for some time; planning to drive the car I was driving at the time into a wall and be done with it all (your car, by the way, and possibly one of the things that stopped me from doing it was the fact that it was YOUR car!); ignoring the fact when I lived with him that although we had been together for some time and I had just lost his baby, I noticed he was carrying condoms around in his weekend case (and was actually sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and god knows who else), and I DIDN’T LEAVE HIM!! Anyway, although that relationship was nothing at all like the one you have had with The Man, I am just reminding you of the NUTS aspect of these kinds of things, first-hand. I don’t think you are going to do anything mental (I believe you have a lot more restraint than I ever did), but the battle with the pain that you feel is very, very tough. I think why I have written all of the above is that my actions above did not hurt or affect him in any way, but they certainly nearly ruined me completely. What you are going through now is complicated, but whether you hear from him or not, whether your relationship is over as you know it or not, whether you are deeply hurt or not, you still have wonderful, beautiful, strong, vulnerable, vibrant, funny you. And, you still have all of us, too. In fact, you could probably travel the world right now and have places of safety, love and comfort wherever you go, with people that love you. Not many in the world could say that. But you can. And, if you deem this post eminently unsuitable for your blog, absolutely delete it. Still love you 🙂
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Thank you so much – and its eminently suitable!! Your honesty and kindness are wonderful my fantastic friend xxxx
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