We love her. Collectively. All of us do – you all do whether you know it or not….

She basically landed the piece with me yesterday – I don’t even really know how. But she did. And nothing from The Man. Which frankly is not OK…

But I am done waiting now – insofar as putting things on hold, feeling at a disadvantage and so on. I am hurting and grieving and I don’t want to switch that off – that process is important as I have been writing about. And I am not ending it with him either. I am still standing still in terms of he and I, but not in terms of my life.

A part of me was waiting – I imagine in some ways waiting for him to come charging up on a white horse or something. And while there is a lot in our relationship of where we have both displayed strengths and weaknesses, there is also the fact that the last weekend we had together was about his betrayal, and since then he has withdrawn to deal with that. And I have been left with it. Which sums up the last couple of months.

He couldn’t deal with our dynamic shifting out of his carer role for me, he felt inadequate but instead of admitting that to me, he tried to make himself feel better through online relationships. Leaving me feeling de-sexualised, inadequate, paranoid and frustrated. I don’t believe he did any of that maliciously, genuinely not, but the baseline remains. And the man I need would face up to that, come after me, stand up to what has gone wrong and want to fix it together. The man I currently have appears to be hiding.

As the wonderful shrink said, I do demand a lot from a relationship – from myself and others. Which is very true – I will not settle because it doesn’t work, plain and simple – no moral judgement or high ground, its just who I am. And perhaps that is not for him.

So – another transition. Its painful, tough and all the things that come with a break up, since it pretty much seems that is where I am at, but I do not feel like I am on the edge falling as I have done for the last 10 days. Its about living now, moving forwards, celebrating – I can do that while hurting as well. Planning for September – where to go – what to do – I really am not sure as I keep changing my mind and hadn’t focussed on it properly because for the last couple of months I was waiting to see what The Man wanted to do. Enough. I care for him deeply, that overrides every other emotion, but while knowing it sounds like a chocolate box cliche, I care for me more right now.