On my way now to visit Prof Aloof. Just said to someone I am looking forward to seeing him…some weird form of Stockholm Syndrome attachment. Clearly the wonderful shrink was right about my ‘attachments’…I do keep smiling at her referring to my feelings for The Man as an attachment.
Not entirely sure why I have a check up now – I suppose 4 months since chemo finished. I am sure I will be in and out in 10 mins max.
I got a long letter from The Man on Sunday (nothing before that). I think it was a break up letter, but I also think it was leaving doors open if I wanted to rush in and fix it. I don’t. Nor am I going to be the one to name its over. It’s so very sad – I miss him (my ‘attachment’!) terribly, but as I said in my response to him, I’ve missed him more over the last couple of months as its been like being with a hologram of him.
I rose above the day to day, my feelings of hurt and betrayal, when I wrote back. What I did do was shine – I stepped into my light and power, basically told him that he could join me in freedom and light or stay stuck in the mud. In many different ways. I am glad he wrote, I know him well enough to know he could have just completely shut down which I really would have struggled with. But, even in what he felt was his most honest writing, being open, it’s about 40% of reality as I see it.
He is genuinely delusional about some things, something I’ve seen on and off which has always hit alarm bells. He referred to trust being broken on both sides because after me asking him for weeks and months whether he was engaged in online relationships, and him denying it, telling me it was my sense of inadequacy and insecurity, I demeaned myself by checking his phone. And went straight to him when I saw the truth. How he can equate lying to me for months and months, even when I told him if he needed this we could discuss an open relationship, to me being driven to check his phone once as the same trust being broken is beyond me.
I don’t feel the need to convince him of that, tough as it is to take, because the whole other women thing is a red herring. It’s a symptom, not the baseline. I know that. I wanted to see him, without me there, with having had space and time. And I’ve seen. And it had confirmed what I knew on a gut level. He is very troubled, lost, and stuck in the mud. I genuinely feel for him, but I have spent a lifetime falling in love with men’s potential, jumping in the mud with them, shrinking myself to fit. I will not do that anymore.
No more shrink to fit. I am celebrating life now, I am going to be myself, whoever I am post cancer, vulnerable and kick ass, powerful. Yes, I am hurting like hell and I miss him, I feel huge compassion for us both and he will always remain someone exceptionally special to me. I truly hope we can remain friends of a sort, who knows, maybe he will find his wings. But I have mine. Currently stretching and flexing, but come Sept they will be fully formed :).
Walk with me 
Now that’s a bloody powerful post. Loved it. Not the fact that you are going through this, but you are rising from the ashes of your attachments. Not only that, but you are doing it with compassion, both for yourself and for him/them. It is unfair when we have a moment of weakness because of our lack of trust and desperate need of the truth to have the tables turned on us by someone else’s prolonged lying to us. It bolsters them in some weird way, making less of their own acts. And, in this case, not so much the act itself, but the constant lying about it. And it gives them the opportunity to deflect from their own weaknesses and concentrate on yours. Anybody’s except theirs. I love the fact of the person you have been who sees the good in everyone, no matter what happens (well, to a point). You still have that, but you also have, through your own hard experiences, the need to take care of and cherish YOU and not be destroyed in the process of loving another. Fantastic, Sonia. Just fantastic. Gives hope to us all. XOXOXO
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Thanks Margaret :). Quite honestly, I would do the same again…we were in bed, he opened up his computer, messages popped up and he jumped like a cat on a hot tin roof. And I just couldn’t do it anymore – I honestly don’t know how many times I gave him the opportunity to tell me honestly. I hated doing it, hated him for pushing me to it, but am glad I did because the half truth that these actions symbolised was destroying both of us. Your support, as always, is fantastic xxxx
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