It’s getting closer all the time…
10 days until I leave for Geneva/Kenya with the little ones and a couple of small bags between us.
12 days until the movers come to take my stuff and put it in storage, take the kids stuff and send it to Ireland
17 days until they come and take Hayley and her stuff and move her 🙂
28 days until I say goodbye to my little ones at Heathrow airport (after a night flight from Kenya) and they leave with their dad.
??? Days until I leave for Thailand. Sometime in Sept…tbc
One day until I say no to a potential 6 month contract in Zimbabwe. Would literally have been my ideal contract…the post, the grade, the length, the location, the contacts… But not now. It’s what I always do – sort everything out, push myself to get all that done, then instead of having time for me, the fun, the space, the joy, the collapse, I rush into the next job.
I won’t lie – it was a tough call. For exactly the reason that it is what I always do. But I was awake at 4am for two hours, stressing about it, which told me everything. I forget all the time: I am more fragile than I think.
What makes my heart sing is the idea of Thailand, a beach, and writing my book. Zim pushed my old ambition/career buttons, but doesn’t make my heart sing. Maybe that type of thing will again someday, but not now.
Life is wonderful in so many ways right now – but fuck I am tired. Dismantling one’s life is exhausting at the best of times. Never mind after the last year. What I am doing is absolutely right – I know it with every fibre of my being, in fact, I haven’t questioned it once. But I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I am changing absolutely everything that I have known, that I have had around me, that has formed my life. Leaving just me.
Without being all tree huggy, I am looking forward to seeing me without a role – mother & aid worker – those two have been my entire life for so long now. All about what I do for others. But there is no escaping that I was lost behind those – and there is a whole lot more to me than I have allowed out for so very long.
I’m jumping: I am in mid flight in fact. And my wings are growing every day. I am caught up in the extreme amounts of the practical and emotional loads right now, which is appropriate albeit so very draining. But I can still feel my wings. Fuck, I love life.
Walk with me 
so thrilled to read this post – so poignant and brilliant and energetic and optimistic. i like that you emphasise the small bag for travelling. Makes me think you have been carrying big metaphorical bags around for others for so long….. fly high xxx
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Thank you – and yes, it does feel like that!!
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I know it was a hard choice for you, but you made the bloody right choice for you. Zimbabwe isn’t going anywhere (I hope). Nor are other opportunities like it. What IS hard to find is an opportunity just for…you. Although our circumstances are TOTALLY different, I am about to embark on a life without a job (for the moment) next Monday. Having been with the same company for over 1.5 years, I realized that I had let it define me in some way. As had marriage. And motherhood (later in life). I have promised myself (and Michael) to take at least a week off – doing nothing – if not, a month or two. Even thinking about doing nothing makes me crazy (and don’t even mention the feelings of guilt). But it is EXACTLY what I need to do. Like you, I need to do nothing. Walk, think (well, maybe not too much of that), play the piano, finish the book I started writing many moons ago, write poetry, listen to music, read, and then walk some more. I’m so excited for you, my dear friend. xoxoxo
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It is SO what you need to do!! Funny, Monday is a big day for us both – I leave for Kenya with the kids and basically all we have known for the last two years behind.
I am delighted you are taking this step Margaret – its bloody great.
xxxxx
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I meant 11.5 years, not 1.5…the typing is deteriorating already!
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