Bloody hell, I’m hitting the wall of exhaustion. In fact, I think I may have ploughed through the wall a while ago….

4 days until we leave. 4 days to panic about the 654 things that leaving one’s home entails…not least leaving with contents going to 3 different places. Hayley will be here, but I am trying to make sure that everything is covered as its not fair for her to do more plus write her dissertation – what a year for her!

Constant panics about did I tell x,y,z company, organised the cleaning, will I remember everything, do we have what we need….sleep is a disaster….I think I may pass out when we arrive in Kenya.

I found out the other day that the man (no more capital letters…) had also had sex with someone while we were together – last year in fact. Likely others, but this one I know about. Now that really pissed me off. Not least that a few times I suggested to him an open relationship, and he said no. In fact, one of our last conversations was about that,and he said he didn’t want an open relationship. Clearly what he forgot to add was ‘well, not for you at least’. I have been holding the compassion, the bigger picture, the moving on and all that – and I do understand lots of that still – but honestly, fuck him, big time. He let his inadequacies take over at my expense. It feels quite good to be angry – I am not furious, nor consumed by it, and genuinely happy to be single again, but I hadn’t been angry once in the last month and was deeply aware it was missing. So good to have it for now.

Packing up, moving out, all the life changes are of course exhausting. But I know for me that the core exhaustion is actually about all the emotions – saying goodbye to the kids, Hayley and I moving apart after having been so intensely close again, my wonderful, wonderful friends here – not knowing if/when I will be back. They are all buried there currently to enable me to just keep going, but manifest in exhaustion and insomnia. I’m holding an enormous amount at the moment and really, really cannot wait to let go.

Thailand is real, a few weeks in London alone before I head to Thailand is real, a whole new life is real. I just now need to get to it!